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Updated: Jul 27, 2022

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #1

Last night’s movie was Last Tango in Paris starring Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider. Directed by Bernardo Bertolucci.

Why? Why did this obviously incredible filmmaker along with maybe the greatest living actor (at the time) have to indulge themselves in this bullshit film? It’s true that Bertolucci used his inspiration of Francis Bacon’s paintings in a brilliant way and Brando is absolutely amazing throughout the whole 2 plus hours. But this flick is one of my least favorite of all time.

Whenever I end up hating a classic and important film, I always end up researching the shit out of it to find out what’s wrong with me. What I discovered with this one was worse than I expected. Schneider ended up a bit damaged as a result of it and Brando and the director had some explaining to do for years after it’s release.

In case you don’t already know, there’s a rape scene (2, actually, in my opinion) that is known as “The Butter Assault” scene where Brando wants to use butter as lubricant. I won’t elaborate but, as turns out, it wasn’t in the script and Brando and Bertolucci didn’t tell Schneider about it so that they could get the most of her reaction. In reality, she had been felt taken advantage of and even though the sex was simulated, she still felt like she had been raped. To add to the troubling aspect of this, Brando WAS 48 AND SHE WAS 19! She also made very little money on this flick while Brando and Bertolucci just added a huge amount to their giant stacks.

So, how was the actual movie? It was like a really long and boring Francis Bacon painting with sub-titles and I hated it. 1👄 Lip for Last Tango In Paris. Tonight’s movie will be Portrait of a

Lady on Fire. ♥️You

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #2

Last night’s movie was Lie With Me starring Lauren Lee Smith and Eric Balfour. Directed by Clement Virgo.

After doing French Flicks for the last month, I was STOKED to watch a movie with no sub- titles! I was also stoked to get this series started, as I had heard that there are some really great, non-pornographic and tasteful erotic films. This one didn’t quite fit the bill. Yes, it was artistic with some super cool elements, however, it was most definitely pornographic. I actually learned after I watched it that some of the sex scenes were not simulated.

What I did like in this was the dreamlike state that it flowed with. The whole thing felt like a soft breeze on a lazy day. I also really loved the set designs. The rooms were decorated with care and style. I also liked the SMOKIN HOT Leila (Smith) and her decisive and free spirit. And the sex scenes were pretty damn intense!

What I did not like was the main male character, David (Balfour) and his creepy ass thin mustache. Does anyone actually find that attractive? They do attempt to give him some credibility by creating the scenario of him taking care of his dying father but it doesn’t exonerate him from being a total asshole. And because of this, I just didn’t fall for the fact that Leila falls in love with him.

As pornographic as this was, it was also emotionally deep and complicated. But that mustache docked it a few points. 3 Lips for Lie With Me 👄👄👄. Tonight’s movie will be Sex and Lucia. ♥️You. BY THE WAY! Congratulations to George for picking the best rating emoji

this month! You get to pick the next genre!

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #3

Last night’s movie was Sex and Lucia starring Paz Vega and Tristan Ulloa. Written and Directed by Julio Medem.

I’d like to give a good hearted and half-joking 🖕 to those of you that recommended this flick to me. Seriously? More subtitles after a month of French Flicks? Have you no mercy?

Maybe I should call this series Stylish Porn With Billy Disaster. This was certainly a well made and beautiful film, but Whoooh Boy was it explicitly hardcore. It ALMOST crosses the line of good taste..

This Spanish flick is about this chick Lucia (Vega) who is in love with an author of whose books she deeply adores. She tracks him down and on their 1st meeting, professes her love for him. He can hardly believe his luck as she’s a total hot ass. So they spend, I don’t know, the next few months getting it on in a variety of ways. One of which is a blindfolded session that was particularly steamy.

As much X-rated material as there is in this, there is a cool and mysterious story that I won’t ruin for you. I will say that the actors in this are almost TOO good looking to be believable. Especially Elena Anaya (who had a bit of a weird Mom/porn scenario) and Daniel Freire who is so handsome that I hate him.

All in all, this is a decent indie style mystery with a story line that has a few too many coincidences to be ignored, with some porn scenes thrown in. 3 Lips for Sex and Lucia 👄👄👄. Tonight’s movie will be Last Tango in Paris. ♥️You

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #4

Last night’s movie was Portrait of a Lady on Fire starring Noemie Merlant and Adele Haenel. Written and directed by Celine Sciamma.

First of all, this flick doesn’t really belong in the Erotic Flick category. There are a few light passionate moments but nothing too shocking like we’ve gotten used to here at Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster.

Second of all, while this movie is visually impressive, it’s also boring as fuck ! This flick was so boring, I felt like I was at the DMV. Being stuck on hold with the cable company is more interesting than this film. Honestly, It gave me the sensation of being in traffic.

Set in the 1700’s in France (yes, this was a French film which had me reading fucking subtitles. AGAIN! ), it’s about these 2 chicks that fall in love with each other and say shit like “Tell me

what burdens your heart” and “You find me docile, you imagine I’m collusive” . It made me want to kick my TV out of the house.

I never want to see this movie again. 1 Lip for Portrait of a Lady on Fire 👄. Tonight’s movie

will be Crash. ♥️You

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #5

Last night’s movie was Crash (1996) starring James Spader and Holly Hunter. Written, produced and directed by David Cronenberg.

I’ve learned a new word...symphorophilia...Getting sexually aroused by watching or being involved in a disaster, like a car crash.

This really weird flick is about a dude named James Ballard (Spader) who has an open marriage with the SMOKIN HOT (but shitty actress) Deborah Kara Unger. They spice up their sex life by talking about their side trysts while they’re gettin it on.

So, one day, James gets into a bad car accident that kills the guy in the other car and ends up in the hospital with some horrible injuries, where he meets Holly Hunter. Turns out that the guy that James killed was Hunter’s husband and so, obviously, they get it on in a car.

Now, Hunter is a symphorophiliac who belongs to a club of other symphorophiliacs led by the super creepy Dr. Vaughn (Elias Koteas). These guys go all out by recreating famous car crashes such as James Dean’s and Jayne Mansfield’s causing all sorts of arousing injuries. Fuck! this movie is weird!!

So everyone pretty much bangs everyone else, including James and the creepy Dr. Vaughn and Kara Unger with the creepy Dr. Vaughn and Holly Hunter with Rosanna Arquette etc. etc.

This was an intriguing flick as it was so strange that it was kind of interesting and unique. I watched with my head tilted to the side for most of it. The crash scenes were cool, the sex scenes were hot, and the filming of it was twisted but done with care. However, the pacing of it and the storytelling were all fucked up and confusing.

This film did not turn me into a symphorophiliac, but I’ll say 3 Lips for Crash 👄👄👄.

Tonight’s movie will be Wild Things. ♥️You.

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #6

Last nights movie was Wild Things starring Denise Richards and Bill Murray. Directed by John McNaughton.

This was by far the most entertaining flick in this Erotic Flicks series. The biggest thing that made this so fun to watch was casting. For someone my age, this cast is like a comfortable armchair with a warm blanket. Matt Dillon, Kevin Bacon, Robert Wagner, Neve Campbell, Bill Murray etc. It was like visiting old friends.

How in the hell had I never heard of this movie? I guess it’s because it was made in 1998, during the time that every movie I saw was a Disney princess movie with my daughter. While this movie wasn’t perfect, it was still pretty damn cool.


Ok, so Matt Dillon plays a high school counselor in a wealthy area of Country Club Crazytown Fla. USA where even a high school counselor has a killer house with a pool. He’s so handsome that the female students all have the hots for him, especially Denise Richards who comes from a super rich family whose dad offed himself and left a fortune for her and her promiscuous mother (Sandra Van Ryan).

Like her mom, Richards is also quite the sex soldier and she’s got her eyes inappropriately set on Matt Dillon. When he turns down her advances, she gets pissed and plans to punish him by claiming he raped her. To help her with her accusation, she recruits Neve Campbell who also comes forth with a rape allegation on Dillon.

All of this obviously fucks up Dillon’s whole career and everything else, so who does he hire to be his lawyer? BILL FUCKIN MURRAY! That’s who.

Well, at the trial, things don’t go well for Richards because her accomplice, Campbell, fucks her over by admitting to the court that they were both lying. So, not only is Dillon exonerated but also counter sues for defamation for $8,500,000.

So it turns out that Dillon, Richards, and Campbell were in cahoots so they could share the money that ultimately came from Richards rich family. And just to make sure that this movie qualifies as an Erotic Flick With Billy Disaster, they have a hot threesome to celebrate.

The celebration doesn’t last long, however, because a couple of nosy cops, one of them being Kevin Bacon (who sucked in this), are on to them and all sorts of other shit goes down.

There are maybe 5 more twists that happen, a few of them predictable but all of them are cool.

Congratulations to this flick for getting the highest score in this series so far. 4 Lips for Wild Things 👄👄👄👄. Tonight’s movie will be Wild Things 2. ♥️You

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #7

Last night’s movie was Wild Things 2 starring Susan Ward and Katie Stuart. Directed by Jack Perez.

The Godfather 2. The Empire Strikes Back. Wild Things 2. Every now and then a sequel of a classic comes out and is as good or if not better than the original.

Consider this line...”You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.”...Who wrote this script? Shakespeare? When he committed that line to paper, he must’ve given himself one hell of a high five.

Can we talk acting? Holy shit! When Detective Morrison (Linden Ashby) got fed up with the meddling Insurance agent, Isaiah Washington and said ”You get the Hell Outta Here!”, you could literally feel his frustration. It was just so real!

Finally, we need to address the special effects. I don’t want to spoil anything but I’ll say that their FX budget must’ve been at least in the double digits.

1 Lip for Wild Things 2 👄. Tonight’s movie will be The Canyons. ♥️You

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #8

Last night’s movie was The Canyons starring Lindsay Lohan and James Deen. Directed by Paul Schrader

This pile of shit features the modern-day lip injected Lindsay Lohan. Honestly, she looks like Mike Tyson just punched her in the mouth. It just looks ridiculous.

Anyway, This is a story about a bunch of truly unlikeable, low-level Hollywood dickheads acting all elitist and being super lame crybabies when things don’t go their way. Especially James Deen.

Deen plays a trust fund douche who uses his dad’s money to produce B movies and treat people like shit. His current, live in girlfriend is the gold digging Lohan who he controls to the point of getting her to (somewhat unwillingly) engage in threesomes, etc. They both are cheating on each other causing some uncomfortable trust issues.

There are a couple of lame story lines along the way that are so boring that I won’t bother you with them. And does this qualify as an Erotic Flick? Barely...There is a scene where Lohan temporarily takes control of a group sex session and gets Deen to engage in something he’s reluctant to do...and no, the scene is just not very erotic, but it wishes it were.

As much as this movie sucked, and as artificial as Lohan looks with all that shit injected into her face, she actually had a pretty damn good performance. I came away thinking that her acting ability is really top shelf.

Ultimately this movie is why people hate Hollywood self important assholes. But Lohan’s performance gives it a little extra credit. 2 Lips for The Canyons 👄👄. Tonight’s movie will be

Loves Games: Love Dangerously. ♥️You.

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #9

Last night’s movie was Love Games: Love Dangerously starring Patralekka Paul and Tara- Alisha Berry. Written and directed by Vikram Bhatt.

On my website, I have a page called Worst of Billy Disaster where I’ve consolidated many of the worst movies I’ve reviewed. I may put this at the very top above Don Juan, The Da Vinci Code, and Shanghai Noon. This flick sucked so bad that there should be a U.S. House Committee investigation on how such a pile of shit could get the funding to be made.

This East Indian film is basically about a couple of rich twenty somethings who want to spice up their sex life by making a game out of banging other (married) people and filming themselves to prove their conquests. BUT THEN...The dude falls in love with one of his hookups and the girlfriend gets upset and becomes hell bent on MURDER! It’s amazing how close this story is to Mrs. Disaster and I’s marriage!

Then a bunch of incredibly stupid shit goes down in this long ass soap opera complete with the worst use of music I’ve ever experienced. Oh! And there isn’t a single moment of eroticism (I may have just made up that word). Why in the hell is this considered an erotic thriller?

Anyway, don’t see this flick. Please. 1 Lip for Love Games: Love Dangerously 👄. Tonight’s movie will be Swimming Pool and will thankfully be the last installment in this Erotic Flicks

series. ♥️You

Erotic Flicks With Billy Disaster #10

Last night’s movie was Swimming Pool starring Ludivine Sagnier and Charlotte Rampling. Direction and screenplay by Francois Ozon.

Of all of the films we’ve done in this Erotic Flicks series, no actor has been as impressive as Charlotte Rampling. She plays Sarah, a successful murder mystery writer who is in a bit of a funk. Her publisher, John (Charles Dance) suggests that she go stay at his vacation home in France to get some privacy, nice weather, and, hopefully, some inspiration. She accepts.

When she arrives, she finds that it’s perfectly perfect for her. It’s peaceful and quiet and is within walking distance of a quaint village with a cafe for her to frequent. But just as she’s all settled in, a young hot ass blonde chick named Julie shows up at the house disrupting Sarah’s privacy. Turns out the hot blonde is the publisher’s daughter and will be staying awhile.

The greatest thing about this flick is the dynamic between Julie and Sarah. Julie is a carefree and fun loving spirit while Sarah is a serious, no fun dud of a personality that is annoyed as hell that Julie is there. I’m almost making this sound like a comedy...this is no comedy. It’s actually a really well paced and masterful, suspenseful mystery. I’m totally doing a really good job of not giving anything away right now.

This mildly erotic movie is easily the best one of this truly awful Erotic Flicks series. I’m so stoked to be done with it. I’m even more stoked for the next series...Road Trip Flicks With Billy

Disaster! 4 Lips for Swimming Pool 👄👄👄👄.



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